


Shisui's Guide to Being a Wingman

by Itachis_Husband



Category: Naruto
Genre: Awkward Romance, Eventual Romance, Family, Friendship, M/M, POV Third Person Omniscient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itachis_Husband/pseuds/Itachis_Husband
Summary: Rule #1: One need not be asked to be a wing-man.





	1. Chapter 1

"I'm just saying, Itachi," Shisui explained as they walked through crowded city streets, "you can't just watch one episode and be done with it."

"Shisui, I watched _three_ episodes and I'm still don't see what you see in it." Itachi replied. His cousin was currently obsessed with a new online crime-drama and wouldn't stop nagging Itachi to watch with him so that he could talk with someone about it. Itachi, having nothing better to do during his spare time, surrendered and watched an episode but didn't see the appeal so he watched another. And another.

"You only watched _two_ episodes." Shisui said and stopped when they reached their destination; a café that had taken the place of a failing Chinese take-out restaurant that was rumored to have flunked its last health inspection due to findings of dead cats in the fridge or something. "You can't count the pilot episode."

Itachi nodded a thanks and walked inside, taking in the pleasant aroma of coffee beans and permeating the air. "Aren't pilot episodes meant to capture the audience's attention and whet their appetite for what's to come? The pilot _I_ watched did none of that."

Shisui's face suddenly took on a devilish grin. "Was your appetite not sufficiently whetted, Itachi?" He asked, raising a suggestive brow.

Itachi sighed at his cousin's immaturity. "I'm going to go to the restroom."

"To whet your appetite?"

Itachi shook his head. "No."

"Do you want me to wait for you to get back?" Shisui asked, already taking a step out of the line.

Itachi shook his head and gestured for him to get back in line. "That's alright. Go ahead and order and find us a table; I'll get in line when I return."

Shisui flashed him a mischievous smile and returned to his spot. "Okay." He said.

Itachi regarded him carefully as he walked away, waiting for him to comment something along the lines of "have fun whetting your appetite, Itachi!" or something like that. Surprisingly, he didn't and was instead studying the list of beverages displayed on the menu, leaving Itachi to honorably take his leave, but not without stealing one last glance at his cousin just to make sure.

"Hello, what can I offer you today?" The barista asked Shisui.

"I'll just take a tall iced coffee with milk." Shisui answered, digging in his wallet for exact change.

"An iced coffee with milk?" The barista asked. Shisui hummed in affirmation. "Coming right up! That'll be $2.68 at the register."

Shisui smiled. "Thanks."

As he waited for his order to be completed, his gaze perused the shop's assortment of snacks, pastries, and candies illuminated by the soft glow of the fluorescent lights above them. _Itachi will probably order one or two of those._ He thought, making an internal bet with himself to see if he could correctly guess which ones his cousin might buy. _Maybe the cranberry orange scone…_ he thought. _Itachi's stuck-up like that._ Then his gaze roamed over something particularly sweet looking. _Iced lemon pound cake…the_ jerk _loves stuff that's iced and pound cake is helluva sweet…probably loaded with calories…or maybe he'll get the iced vanilla bean scone...it's giving me a toothache just looking at it…_

"Iced coffee with milk?" The barista beamed, handing Shisui his beverage accompanied by a green straw.

Shisui nodded. "Thanks." He said and handed the man first the dollar bills, followed by a drizzle of change into his open palm. While the barista counted out the change, Shisui glanced over the pastries one last time when he noticed an iced raspberry swirl pound cake and in that instant _knew_ what Itachi was going to order. _Hook, line, and sinker!_

"Here's your receipt; enjoy!" The barista said, high fiving another barista in the fashion of a tag-team.

"Thanks!" Shisui called over his shoulder and set out to look for a table.

Although he would've preferred to situate himself in a dark cozy corner surrounded by windows that overlooked the busy streets before them, all of the window and corner seats were taken. And as more and more people flooded in, he settled for a seat close to the wrought iron fence that separated the line at the counter from the general dining area. _Guess this'll have to do_. He submitted and tasted his coffee. _Damn, that's good_.

"A 16 oz. toffee mocha Frappuccino blend, please." A familiar voice said from nearby.

Shisui glanced up to see Itachi at the front counter, eyeing the same pastry assortment he himself had been pouring over a minute ago.

_Come on, you know you want to buy the raspberry swirl pound cake..._

"Got a sweet tooth?" The barista asked Itachi.

The edges of Itachi's mouth quirked upwards, a tiny hint of a smile. "I guess you can say that." He said.

"People keep telling me how good this one is, and I've been wanting to try for myself, but God I think I'm going into diabetic shock just thinking about it!" The barista laughed and said. "Anyways, that'll be $3.75, please."

Shisui watched Itachi produce a five dollar bill from his wallet and falter handing it to the barista. "Actually," Itachi said, "can I also have two blueberry scones, please?"

 _Dammit, Itachi!_ Shisui mentally cursed. He thought for sure that he was going to get the thing with the most sugar per serving on the menu, darn it!

"What's got you in such a slump?" Itachi asked when he sat down at the table.

Shisui raised his eyebrows in ignorance as he sipped his beverage. "Nothing. I thought sure you were going to get a slice of pound cake, though."

Itachi sipped some of his own drink and sighed. "I thought about it, but to order something as sweet as pound cake when I've already ordered such a sweet drink…I think I'll pass for now."

Shisui nodded and glanced at the steady line of customers waiting to order. "I'm surprised that this place is so busy after only opening a week ago."

Itachi shrugged. "I'm not. It's a nice installment to the neighborhood. Definitely better than an abandoned Chinese take-out restaurant."

Shisui chuckled at the memory of the decrepit cement building with its nameless sign and boarded up windows. To think that in only seven months it would be refurbished to what it is now; a high-end brick building with large windows, exposed rafters with low hanging lights.

"I'm surprised that you only ordered an iced coffee, Shisui." Itachi addressed him, bringing the older man's attention back to the conversation.

"Ah-hem! I ordered an iced coffee _with milk_ , I'll have you know!" He said, raising his glass as if to prove his point.

Itachi pursed his lips, unimpressed. "You could've ordered that at any fast-food restaurant for less than what you paid here."

Shisui rolled his eyes. "Sorry I'm not as sophisticated as you are Mr. I-attended-Harvard-and-want-everyone-to-know."

Itachi released a sigh of frustration. Why was it that he couldn't seem to have a normal conversation with his cousin anymore these days? "I _don't_ want everyone to know about it."

"Really?" Shisui asked incredulously. "'Cuz you make it sound like you do."

"What does ordering a pricey drink have to do with my feelings towards my college alma mater?" Itachi scoffed.

Shisui raised his eyebrows. "Everything!" He said and beckoned for Itachi to lend him his ear. "In fact, I can tell you right now that the couple over there is judging you for it," he pointed to the couple seated by the door, "as well as that guy with the newspaper over there," he said briefly glancing over his shoulder, "and…the barista as well." He said, nodding in the direction of the counter where the barista was busy cleaning the insides of one of the blenders. "And because of you," Shisui said, leaning back in his chair, "they're judging me too."

Itachi shook his head in exasperation. Why did he think it was a good idea to bring Shisui anywhere with him? He could have easily waited until Monday or Tuesday to visit this place after work but being the considerate person that he was, he just _had_ to include his cousin in his plans. "Tell me something." Itachi said to him.

"Shoot." Shisui replied whilst drinking his iced coffee.

"Just why did I bring you along with me today?"

"Because you're worried what people will think of you if you came to a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon alone." He answered matter-of-factly.

"You know what? You're absolutely right." Itachi laughed. "It's not because I enjoy your company or anything like that."

Shisui smiled. "I know. You're just using me, but I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm used to it."

"Please." Itachi shook his head and brought the drink to his lips.

Shisui smirked and mentally marked the moment's banter in his favor. Shisui – 1; Itachi – 0. "What were we talking about earlier?" He asked.

Itachi shrugged. "I don't know."

He was lying. "Oh yeah! That's right! You can't just two episodes of a series and be done with it! You gotta give it time!"

"I already gave it an hour and twenty minutes of my time." Itachi said. "How much more of my life do I need to dedicate to something that I won't remember down the road when I'm in my forties?"

"You'll remember watching it with your favorite cousin when you're forty!" Shisui argued. "Just give it, like, two or three more episodes; I _guarantee_ you'll be hooked by the end of episode five. Wanna bet?"

Itachi wasted no time in answering. "No." He'd made bets with Shisui in the past and every time, Itachi came out the victor, leaving Shisui broke and in need of money for the parking meter the next day. Money he'd have to borrow from Itachi and insist on writing out an I.O.U for, only to forget that he hadn't paid Itachi back three weeks later and pretend that they were even. _"Yeah-huh! I paid you back! I paid for last week's pizza delivery!"_ He'd argued once. Itachi couldn't even recall ordering pizza the week before.

But at the end of the day, Itachi loved his cousin and all of his shortcomings. Even if it left Itachi tight on cash when he craved a snack in the middle of the work day. And it was because of the bond that they shared, Itachi engaged in his pointless conversation. "And why is it that I'll be hooked at the end of episode five instead at the end of the pilot?" He asked.

"Pfft! Itachi, Itachi, Itachi." Shisui shook his head and rested a hand on Itachi's shoulder. "The pilot's sole purpose is to 'whet the appetite' of the viewers; to pique their interest! The producers of the show didn't know if their fledgling of an idea would take flight or not so they set it at the edge of the nest like a father holding onto the back of his daughter's bike while she pedals on her own for the first time!" He explained.

Since when did hawk fledglings and little girls learning how to ride their bikes relate to one another? Itachi did not know. Beside him, the line was dying down slightly as the younger barista attended to the orders while the older one knocked back half a bottle of water before prepping the next order.

"—so by the time you get to episode five, the ground work has been set, the plot laid out, and the main characters introduced. You, my friend, have not seen everything this show has to offer; in fact, you don't even know the _half_ of it." Shisui was saying.

"You're only on episode ten out of how many? Two hundred? I'd say that you don't even know the half of it." Itachi quipped.

"Ha, ha, very funny. You know what I mean. But yeah, anyways, you don't even know the half of it!" Shisui continued and throughout it all, Itachi continued to sip his Frappuccino and break off pieces of his blueberry scone, nodding occasionally.

It did not, however, escape Shisui's notice that Itachi would glance at the pastry counter every now and again. _He's not gonna leave here without that raspberry swirl pound cake_. He thought when Itachi's attention shifted from the pastry display to the various syrups shelved behind the counter. _What's he looking at syrups for?_ Shisui thought when Itachi focused his gaze on him once more. _Did he see me staring, I wonder?_

A few seconds later, Shisui noticed the other barista, the one who had waited on the both of them, reappear from the storage area. "It'll be ten minutes before I can thaw any out, ma'am, sorry for the inconvenience." He told a customer.

And that's when it hit him. Itachi wasn't drooling over the lush assortment of sweets in the pastry display, or examining the various syrups shelved behind the counter. He was eyeing the barista he'd made small talk with earlier!

"But anyways," Shisui said, "I don't wanna spoil it for you. Let's get back home we can pick up where you left off, shall we?" He suggested.

"If I must." He begrudgingly replied and rose to a stand, bunching up the tissue paper he'd been given with his scones to throw in the trash on the way out.

Shisui took the lead, noting the subtle glances his cousin stole of the barista's muscled arms and infectious smile. Although he wasn't so obvious to glance over his shoulder on the way out, he unabashedly took a good long look at him through the signage on the store-front window.

 _He's into him._ Shisui confirmed. And from that moment on it was decided:

Shisui would be Itachi's wingman.

* * *

_Rule #1: One need not be asked to be a wingman._

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written with AbsoluteAnarchy in mind ~ and yes my darling, there will be mentions of pound cake ;)

**_MONDAY_ **

_Being a wingman is not a walk in the park. Especially when your buddy is oblivious to the fact that he's suddenly acquired a wingman and is too stubborn to willingly accept the help of one. That in mind, you must gather some data before you can officially call yourself a wingman._

Quickly scanning the short paragraph he'd created and satisfied with the outcome, Shisui reclined back in his chair and struck the ENTER key with more force than needed. Grabbing his wallet, he spun around in his chair, hopped to his feet and embarked on his journey downstairs.

"Whoa, what are you doing?!"

Itachi flinched and slowly looked over his shoulder at a wide eyed Shisui who had his hands pressed to his head as it attempting to keep his brains from tumbling out. If he had any brains to speak of, that is. "Pouring…coffee…why?" Itachi asked and continued to pour himself a mug of coffee.

"We were going to go to that new café for breakfast this morning!"

" _We_?" Itachi asked. He casually replaced the coffee pot back in the machine and turned to meet Shisui with an expression of skepticism. "Exactly when did _we_ come to this consensus because this is the first time I'm hearing about this."

"On Saturday, duh!" Shisui breezily replied.

Itachi quirked a thin brow.

"It was implied after we ate there on Saturday that we would go there for breakfast on Monday. Today. Like right now."

Itachi was nonplussed and blatantly took a long sip of his coffee to make his point. "Maybe if you had verbally shared your plans instead of assuming that I possessed the ability to read your mind I wouldn't have made coffee this morning and we could've gone."

"Oh but we can still go!" Shisui tried to convince him. _Don't you want to see that hot barista again?_ Probably would've worked better. But then again this was Itachi Uchiha he was dealing with. If he confessed Itachi's secret desires out loud Itachi would deny everything Shisui said and shut down any future matchmaking attempts by refusing to go within 100 feet of the coffee shop which would be bad for Shisui's ratings. Couldn't leave his fellow bloggers high and dry now could he?

"I'm not pouring a perfectly good pot of coffee down the drain, Shisui. We can visit Terumi's for breakfast some other time."

"Such a buzzkill." Shisui uttered and dragged his feet to the door.

"Where are you going?" Itachi asked. "Isn't it a little early for you to leave for work?"

"There's nothing to eat here and I'm hungry." He muttered.

Itachi narrowed his eyes at Shisui's retreating back and set his coffee mug down on the kitchen table. "Alright. See you later on then."

Shisui looked over his shoulder and was surprised to see Itachi fishing his tablet out of his work bag. "See you later!" He called over his shoulder and shut the door behind him. _Goddammit Itachi you were supposed to feel sorry for me!_

Inside, Itachi smirked the moment the door swung closed. Though he was three years Itachi's senior, Shisui possessed the maturity of Itachi's teen brother Sasuke. Having no siblings of his own, Shisui's parents gave him whatever he wanted and indulged his every desire and whim. Itachi on the other hand, had a younger sibling and was impervious to the guilt trips, the pouting, and occasional threats. If Shisui wanted to throw a temper tantrum, who was Itachi to stop him? After all, Shisui was an adult and could take care of himself.

And buy his own slice of pound cake.

-8-8-8-8-

"Hello, welcome to Terumi's! What can I get for you today?"

Of course the hot barista was working that morning. Of course. Shisui quickly scanned the establishment's breakfast menu, searching for the manliest item he could find. "I'll take the double smoked bacon & egg sandwich on an English muffin with cheddar cheese please. And. Thank. You!" He said, pulling out his wallet from his back pocket.

"Need anything to drink with that?" He asked.

Shisui couldn't help but notice the way the man cocked his head to the side as he waited for Shisui's answer. Those warm caramel colored irises locked with his own and made him feel like time had slowed to a standstill – like it wasn't the morning breakfast rush and he could take all the time he needed. Hot barista wasn't concerned with the hustle and bustle surrounding them. It was just his caramel colored irises and Shisui's ebony colored orbs.

And Itachi was missing every second of it.

"A tall expresso please." He uttered and thumbed through his wallet for a five dollar bill. There was a ten, a twenty and three measly one dollar bills in there. Of course.

"Can I have a name for that, please?"

"Shisui."

"Shi-sui…" the man pronounced as he wrote penned the name on the plastic cup. "That'll be four dollars and seven cents please."

"Here's a ten." He settled on and thrust the bill into the man's waiting palm which was so big he could probably grab Shisui's entire head and throw him across the street if he wanted to. He had the muscles for it anyways. He could do it, Shisui knew he could and Itachi would know it too if he were here and allowed himself to feel for once in his life.

He'd be insanely turned on by the idea too, Shisui bet.

"Thank you." The barita smiled as he accepted Shisui's bill. "Where's the friend you brought with you on Friday? Or was it Saturday?"

The comment took Shisui aback a bit before a large grin spread across his face. "It was Saturday and he's sitting alone at the kitchen table as he drinks his own homemade coffee." He told him. Oh, the money he would pay to see Itachi's face if he knew that the barista – Kisame, he learned as he read the man's name tag – was thinking of him.

"That's too bad. Five dollars and ninety-three cents is your change sir. We'll call you when your order is ready, alright?

"Sounds good." Shisui smiled and strutted off to the side to wait for his food and send a text to his cousin. _That barista from Saturday asked about you,_ he typed and hit SEND.

Less than a minute later he received a message from said cousin that read "Sorry but I don't remember who waited on us Saturday."

_…_

_Are you_ _fucking_ _kidding me right now, Itachi?!_

Shisui glanced up at the barista who was pouring his expresso. There were a few people standing in line waiting to order, most of which were on their phones and probably wouldn't notice if he snapped a quick picture of the man to send to Itachi. Even the woman standing a few feet away from him was scrolling through her Pinterest pins and wouldn't notice him. If anything, it would look like he was taking a selfie or something.

"Shisui!" Kisame called out, rousing him from his thoughts.

He could still take his picture. On the way out, perhaps. It would most likely turn out blurry but that didn't matter so long as Itachi could make out the man's facial features.

"Here you go." Kisame smiled and handed Shisui a bag with his breakfast sandwich in it and his expresso cup which read "Sheswe"

" _Sheshwee?_ " Shisui exclaimed out of shock and mild offense but by then the barista had turned to help another customer at the register.

Not only did Itachi need this gift from God in his life, but Kisame needed Itachi's gift of grammar in his life too. "Sheshwee." Shisui grumbled and exited the shop.

**_TUESDAY_ **

_Sometimes, your buddy has not his best interests in mind. It is then up to you as his wingman to help him see the error of his ways even if it means waking up early to thwart his plans._

" _What the f—!?_ Shisui! What are you doing?" Itachi exclaimed when he entered the kitchen and came face to face with a dark figure sitting at the table.

"Oh my God you should've seen the look on your face, Itachi!" Shisui guffawed.

Itachi watched Shisui laugh so hard that tears collected at the corners of his eyes as he let his forehead fall to the surface of the table. "Very funny." He said and gingerly walked around his hysterical cousin.

"Wait, don't make any coffee yet! You said we could go to Terumi's today!"

"Why would I feel compelled to go to Terumi's with you when you thought it would be funny to scare me half to death this morning?"

"I wasn't trying to scare you, Itachi, promise! Though it was funny and I wish I'd recorded it, dammit!" He said and slapped his thigh.

Itachi regarded his cousin from the corner of his eye. "Why are you so insistent that I go along with you? The café just opened and was busy on Saturday and is bound to be busy this morning. What's more, Terumi's isn't even on the way to my office building which means it'll take me longer to get to work."

"Your probably right, cuz, but the day is still young and if you quit your yakkin' you might actually make it to work early so come on!" He said, rising from his chair to push Itachi out of the kitchen and towards the door. "Let's go while we still have time on our hands!"

"I still don't understand." Itachi commented on the way there.

"What's not to understand?" Shisui asked. "You get to drink a fancy caramel latte or whatever and eat a hot breakfast before you go to work. It's simple!"

"I think you mean to say that I'll get to waste my money on an overpriced drink that'll make my hands shake when I go to type in my computer password and an overpriced sandwich that I could've easily made for cheaper back home."

Shisui groaned. "Why is it always about money with you? Why can't you just live a little, huh?"

"It wouldn't always be about money if this was something we did on occasion, Shisui, not every day of the week."

"We didn't go on Sunday." Shisui quipped.

Itachi sighed and decided that there was no point in arguing with the older man. Shisui would come up with an excuse for anything and everything if you asked him to and in the end, it always ended with him calling Itachi a buzzkill.

"Here we are!" Shisui declared when the sign for Terumi's came into view. "See? We made it in good time! We'll be in and out!"

"If you say so." Itachi relented.

A few steps later the pair was passing the store front window in which Shisui actively peered inside to search for Kisame waiting on a customer behind the counter.

Only Kisame wasn't there.

"Are you coming?" Itachi impatiently called out to him as he held open the door.

Shisui nodded, still searching for Kisame through the store front window. _Maybe he had to run into the back for something_ , he convinced himself.

But when the two passed through the threshold of the establishment, Kisame had yet to make an appearance.

Of course Itachi would agree to tag along on the day that Kisame wasn't there.

"You know what, you're right, Itachi, maybe we should forgo it today."

"What? But we're already here. We might as well order something and leave."

Shisui shrugged. "Yeah, but they're kinda busy and you have that meeting this morning, don't you?"

"That's tomorrow morning and I don't understand. You were begging me to go yesterday and woke up much earlier than you usually do this morning to stop me from making my morning coffee so why the change of heart?"

"I don't know." He said, changing tactics. "There weren't that many people here yesterday so I kinda thought it'd be the same today but they're kinda busy so maybe we should just come back another day or something."

Itachi groaned. "I didn't walk all the way out here only to show up to work sans a vanilla latte in my hands so I'm going to get in line and order one and if you want to go to work empty-handed, be my guest, Shisui."

Hungry patrons filtered around them, forming a line without asking if they were waiting in it or not, and completely oblivious to the conversation they were having.

"Man you're grouchy this morning, Itachi."

Itachi ignored Shisui's comment and stepped into line. He didn't have to tell Shisui that he was annoyed by him. His crossed arms, pursed lips and narrowed gaze was telling enough.

And as much as Shisui wanted to go back home and burrow under his blankets, the growling of his stomach convinced him otherwise as he stepped in line behind his cousin.

"Change of heart?" Itachi asked over his shoulder.

"I'll starve if I don't eat anything."

**_WEDNESDAY_ **

_Wingman. A compound word consisting of two smaller words – wing and man. Just as it takes two to tango, there is no wing if there is no man. But sometimes, a wingman must fly solo if he is to make any real progress._

"Keep this up and you'll become a regular!" Kisame laughed.

"It looks that way doesn't it!" Shisui laughed. "I'll have a tall Americano today and a slow roasted ham and Swiss." He smiled and produced a twenty from his wallet.

"An excellent choice. That'll be four fifty-nine."

Shisui handed him the slightly crumpled twenty which Kisame began to tender. "Brought my friend with me yesterday." He said conversationally.

"Did you?" The barista asked. The corner of his mouth quirked upwards in a smile as his golden eyes flickered to meet Shisui's. "He got tired of the same old same old, huh?"

Shisui gave a short laugh in response. "Nah he said he had a meeting to go to this morning. So where were you yesterday morning? Did'ja oversleep or something?"

The corners of Kisame's mouth gave way to reveal a toothy grin as he shook his head. "A co-worker asked to switch shifts with me yesterday. I usually work mornings."

"Is that so?" Bingo.

Kisame nodded. "Fifteen forty-one." He said and handed him the remainder of his broken twenty dollar bill.

"Hey thanks man! Take care!"

"Take care! Say hi to your friend for me!"

Shisui smiled over his shoulder. "Will do!"

**_THURSDAY_ **

_Sometimes your buddy will surprise you and act on his own free will. It is your job as his wingman to accompany him to make sure that all goes smoothly._

"Die you green muthafuckas!" Shisui whispered, drew his finger back and sent the yellow bird sailing into wooden heap of the pigs' tower where the last battered pig resided. The yellow bird did the trick, wiping out both the remnants of the tower and the pig. And just when he was expecting to be greeted with a message decrying his victory, he was met with a phone call from his cousin instead. "Hey what's up Itachi?"

"Hey. I was wondering if you wanted to stop by that café you favor so much after work."

"You're asking me?" Shisui asked incredulously. He was so taken aback that he brought his feet down from the surface of his desk.

"It's called a polite gesture since I know you have nothing better to do than play that outdated game."

"Okay, it's not outdated when the movie just came out last summer!" He argued.

"If you say so." Itachi sighed. "So do you want to go to Terumi's with me after work or not? If you don't that's fine; I'll go by myself and meet you at home afterwards."

Shisui leaned forward and snatched the Rubik's Cube from his desk, carefully considering his answer. He'd gone to Terumi's every morning since Monday. In fact, he was there so often that people were starting to consider him a regular. And Shisui liked to consider himself anything _but_ regular. His own mother even reminded him of that fact every now and again over the phone. His irregularity aside, Kisame worked mornings he said which proved to be true as Shisui had run into him every morning except for the morning that Itachi tagged along. _God_ _dammit_ _Itachi, why do you have to have the worst timing on the planet?_ "Yeah, meet you there in ten. Sound good?"

"See you then."

Shisui pulled the phone away from his ear and disconnected the call before setting it on his desk. He twisted and turned the Rubik's cube several times so that it was fairly unbalanced in color. In ten seconds he'd reverted each side back to being a single color. Itachi was interested in Kisame, that much Shisui was certain of. He had to be. Itachi never placed that much focus on anyone in his life other than his younger brother Sasuke. Yet he had denied going to the café Monday morning and again this morning. Even on Tuesday he seemed reluctant to go though Shisui waiting for him in the dark kitchen might have had something to do with that. If Itachi was the love-struck fool he was supposed to be, he would've left the stupid coffee pot behind on Monday in favor of catching a glimpse of the man's pearly whites. Even Shisui caught himself wondering how he managed to get his teeth so white without bleaching them.

Rising to a stand with a discontented huff, Shisui grabbed his wallet and turned off his computer monitors. _If I was gay I wouldn't be able to get anything accomplished knowing a man like that exists._ He was halfway to the elevators when the realization hit him. Maybe Itachi only wanted to go to the café for the pound cake and fancy drinks.

Which meant that he wasn't interested in Kisame at all.

Maybe Itachi was never interested in men to begin with.

* * *

 

_Rule #2: Know the nature of your buddy's sexual orientation before designating yourself as his wingman._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter two!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Itachi's Husband


	3. Chapter 3

**_FRIDAY_ **

"Hello?"

"Hey 'cuz!" Shisui sung into the phone. "Mi hermano de otra madre!"

Itachi sighed. "Just because you have nothing better to do than harass me at work doesn't mean that I have the same luxury, Shisui."

Shisui frowned in mock-sadness. "So you're busy then?"

Another exasperated sigh. "No, Shisui, I am watching the paint in my office dry."

Shisui recognized sarcasm when he heard it but that didn't stop him from pushing Itachi's buttons anyways. "Really?!"

"What do you want?" Itachi deadpanned. "Surely you called for a _reason_."

Brilliant. Studious. Focused. Detail oriented. Hard worker. Serious. Intuitive. Itachi Uchiha was many things but "fun" wasn't one of them. Until after tonight if Shisui had a say in the matter. "Let's go to a club tonight."

"A club?"

The raw skepticism in Itachi's voice filled Shisui with unparalleled joy. But the fun was only just beginning. "Yeah."

"No thank you."

"It wasn't a question, Itachi."

"I'm aware but I must respectfully decline."

Shisui pursed his lips. "Nobody's asking you to dance or anything, you know."

"That may be but I dislike the idea in general." He explained.

"Well…" Shisui began to say, "I need you to be my designated driver. I want to go to a club tonight so I can get drunk and dance the night away and if you want to make sure I get home safe you'll come with."

Another skeptical sigh. How many did that make so far? "Why does this sound like I have no choice in the matter?"

"Because you can't bear the idea of losing your beloved cousin because you wanted to stay in and read a book tonight."

"Why tonight? Why is it so important for you to go to a club tonight?"

Shisui leaned forward in his chair as if to whisper the answer in Itachi's ear. "For starters, it's a Friday. People – young people such as ourselves – go out on Friday nights because they don't have to work the next day. And I deserve a night out because I'm a hard working individual." He stated matter-a-factly.

"Sure you are."

"So are you in or not? If not, don't be surprised if I bring somebody home with me tonight because you won't be around to stop me." Shisui said. He could imagine Itachi bringing a hand to his eyes to stave off an impending headache.

"Fine."

"Great!" Shisui beamed. "See you later, alligator!"

"Later." Click.

Shisui stared at the disconnected call until it returned to Itachi's contact information and whispered "In a while, crocodile" with a wide smirk on his face.

-8-8-8-8-

"Tell me,"

"Anything you want, mi primo." Shisui answered.

He received a long hard stare in response and knew exactly what Itachi was currently thinking. _I know that you minored in Spanish so there's no need to flaunt your mastery of the language._ Itachi was just jealous that he took a dead language like Latin that only lawyers and doctors could understand. Unwilling to bring up a tired old argument that Shisui always won, Itachi turned his head to focus on the sidewalk before him and asked "why did you ask me to be your designated driver if you had no intention of driving?"

"Who said I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of driving over here? A lot can change over the span of six hours, you know." He retorted.

"Then why is it necessary for me to come along with you if you knew – upon getting ready to leave the house – that you had no plans to drive here?" Itachi asked.

Shisui craned his neck so that he could look up at the night sky above them. If he squinted, he could see a dotting of stars amidst the glow of the downtown atmosphere. "Just because we didn't drive here doesn't mean that I won't need your help to find my way back home."

Itachi inhaled deeply through his nose and exhaled.

"What would you rather be doing? Sudoku puzzles?"

"Sleeping. I'd rather be asleep because that is what most sane people do after a long week of work."

Shisui laughed outright at that. "Sleeping? Are you for real? What are you, ninety years old? Itachi, we're still in our twenties! This is a time for _in_ sanity and late nights out on the town spent with your mejor amigo getting drunk, and chatting up chicas quapas!"

"Do you think these so called 'pretty girls' want to chat with someone who constantly switches between languages every sixty seconds?"

"I will have you know that women like a man of culture. Plus, my impeccable Spanish accent makes them melt regardless of what I say." He explained with a suggestive arch of his brow.

Itachi sighed. "How much farther do we have to walk until we reach this place?"

Shisui pulled out his phone and pulled up a location app. "Shouldn't be much farther. Another block or so. Maybe less."

"Hn. And you said that a co-worker suggested this place to you?"

"That's right." Shisui nodded proudly.

"How credible is said co-worker?"

"Oh he's got mad cred."

"Shisui that's not what—"

"And here we are!" Shisui excitedly exclaimed, and thrust his arms in the direction of the nightclub entrance as if to present it to his cousin.

Itachi inhaled his last breath of crisp summertime air. "Come on, let's get this over with already." He said and stalked inside.

The Sound, as the club was called, was everything that Shisui expected it would be. Solid bass reverberating the walls and echoing in his ear canal, flashing lights that would cause any epileptic to faint the moment they set foot inside, a well-stocked bar, an a jam packed dance floor. "What a time to be alive!"

Itachi pulled away from his cousin's sudden outburst and grabbed his arm. "Shisui, are you sure you're not already intoxicated?"

"Let loose Itachi! I'm drunk from this place's atmosphere and I haven't even had anything to drink yet!"

Itachi winced. "I can see that."

Just then, a light haired man with glasses and a really low cut scoop neck t-shirt sauntered up to them with an alcoholic beverage in hand. "Hey Shisui." He purred. "I'm glad you could make it out here tonight."

 _He purred._ That was Itachi's first red flag.

Shisui forced a brighter than necessary smile and opened his arms up wide. "Yeah, and I gotta say, this place is legit! Wow!"

Kabuto batted his eyes and leaned into the hug, but really only gently patted Shisui on the back. "Thanks."

 _Batted his eyes._ Second red flag.

"You said that your friend owns this place?"

The man in glasses playfully swatted at Shisui's shoulder and took a sip of his drink. "Oh, Shisui, you know I only said he was my 'friend' because I haven't come out to the guys at work yet." He said, taking a sip of his drink. His eyes flitted over to Itachi who stiffened where he stood. "Is this your boyfriend, Shisui? He's cute. Well defined jaw, broad shoulders, trim figure and that assssssss— "

"Kabuto! Kabuto!" Came a shrill voice from the dance floor.

"Uh-oh. That's my que to take my leave. First drink is on me tonight, Shisui~" He said and trailed his finger down Shisui's chest before fleeing to the sound of his name being called. "Coming Orochimaru!"

"Did you hear that, Itachi? First drink's on him; let's go!" Shisui said and moved to find a seat at the bar when Itachi roughly grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards.

"What are you doing?"

Shisui blinked his eyes in confusion. "Going to get a drink? Kabuto just said—"

"I heard what he said, Shisui!" Itachi shouted over the sound of the bass and ran a hand down his face in exasperation. "Look around you! Do you notice anything different between this club and every other club you've ever been to before?"

Shisui lowered his eyelids a little and regarded Itachi with a playful expression. "I wasn't born yesterday, Itachi, it's a gay club."

This time it was Itachi's turn to blink. "So if you knew it was a gay club then why did you drag us both out here then?!"

"Listen, in my defense, that guy you just saw two seconds ago – Kabuto – I didn't know that he was gay! Okay, maybe I had an idea but he doesn't act that gay at the water cooler!"

"And yet he suggested this club to you and you thought he was talking about a straight club given his sexuality!?"

Shisui raised his shoulders in surprise. "Look! I overheard him talking about a club! He didn't say that it was a gay club or anything like that! The guy said his friend owned a club, okay!"

"And you believed that!?"

"Yeah. I did. But what's done is done and I'm going to get that free drink I was promised." He said and took a few steps closer to where the alcohol was being served.

Itachi matched his pace and was soon standing in front of him, effectively blocking the path to the alcohol. "You're not honestly thinking of staying."

"We walked all this way so we might as well." Shisui explained. Itachi was nonplussed. "I've been wanting to take a break from the stress of work and just have a night where I can dance and get drunk and be hungover the next morning and not care about anything! Yeah, we walked all the way out here and yeah it's not what either of us expected but you only live once—"

"Oh please,"

"—and I'm going to need a lot of alcohol to make it through the night."

Itachi raised his hands in surrender. "Fine. You know how to find your way back home and you have my number on speed dial I'm sure so have fun living it up or whatever."

"Stay!"

"Excuse me?"

"I know I bug you on a daily basis but can you just do this one thing for me? Just this once?"

Itachi sighed and looked around the room. "Are you aware of how sketchy this place is? That co-worker of yours clearly has a boyfriend or husband or fiancé or whatever lurking around here somewhere and yet he was still openly flirting with you! Do you honestly think this is a place where you want to spend your evening? And drunk at that?!"

"Which is why I need you to stay! Let me have my fun and if things start to get out of hand and you see someone trying to take advantage of me with those keen, hawk like eyes of yours then drag me back home!"

"What's to stop me from dragging you home right now, Shisui?!"

"You and I both know that I took martial arts when we were younger and that I can win in a fight against you any time, Itachi!"

"Need I remind you that I took martial arts when I was a kid too and surpassed you in rank?"

"Whatever, just let me have my fun, chill out at the bar or in a corner or in the bathroom for all I care and make sure nobody tries to take me home in their van or something!"

"And what do I gain from this?"

"I won't force you to sit through another crime drama with me for the rest of the week."

"The rest of the month." Itachi bargained.

Shisui rolled his eyes. "You and I both know that I'll be done watching it before the end of next week."

"Fine." The younger Uchiha relented.

Shisui pumped his fists with a loud holler which caused Itachi to wince from the noise and cover his ears. "Time to get wasted!"

* * *

 

_Rule #3: Like movie trailers, same-sex clubs "whet" the audience's appetite for what lies down the road._

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This chapter is one of four completed chapters. I will post/upload the other three in time. Something important to keep in mind, I do not update this story that often. The next time I get around to it (aside from posting the other three chapters) probably won't be until summertime.
> 
> A few other things - I'm not used to writing in the third person omnesescient nor am I used to writing Shisui's character. If either seem off, I apologize.
> 
> Leave a comment if you please,  
> Until next time!  
> ~Itachi's Husband


End file.
